Adventures in The Occipital Lobe

Moon Wraps...

2012-02-16T21:16:00.001-08:00

A love letter for my Jamie, in her favourite awful purple....

We had delicious wraps for dinner, wholewheat tortillas with spinach, rocket, red pepper relish, hummus and grilled eggplant, yum!

A Murder of Apples

2012-02-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

So, we have decided to attempt some sort of responsible human transition to vegetarianism, not because we don't like meat, or because we are dirty hippies, which we totally are, but because we have both (and poor Jamie by default) been feeling that it doesn't make terribly much sense to eat anything we wouldn't kill. I am a gleeful apple murderer, so pie stays.
I am highly unlikely to post bad photographs of what we eat every day, but will share moments, because I have nothing else to write about hahahahaha....

I would love any suggestions you guys (yes dad and Erin, that's you) have, so throw your favourite vegetarian recipe at me....

Scrambled Hens

2012-02-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite things to do in my rare quiet moments, is read Spanish blogs as translated by Google, stumbling over the words makes everything so much prettier, it also makes me think about what I am doing, with the constant need to rearrange what I am reading... Spanish blogger types, or at least the ones I stalk on a regular basis have a particularly simple sense of style that is so in tune with what I am feeling right now. I should write the occasional post in the voice of post Google translated Spanish bloggers....

I am not awesome and Spanish, but I drew this picture anyway, I will give it the Google translated Spanish blogsplanation...

Google says - {David is the fin mother hens lay eggs in your hair, making breakfast easier to organize, girls also believe that this phone is ingenious agriculture, so you knit sweaters to show their love and affection , which give love notes from these sweaters, usually signed "your loving grandmother"} See, so much more interesting than "Motherflipper"

Beef Broth

2012-01-11T21:41:00.000-08:00

A Minotaur, in lieu of a stream of empty words.... He likes fishing, and Sudoku, he is also a terrible dancer, but his wife doesn't mind, he never forgets an anniversary, or the name of that blonde in her book club, these things balance out....

Hard Boiled Eggs

2012-01-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

I live in my head an awful lot, which is probably a good thing, but also means that I struggle to relate to people when I emerge from my hermetically sealed jar of fog. As a result of this I have few real friends, and those I do have, I am extraordinarily attached to. On blessedly scarce occasions, something earth shattering happens to one, or more of those friends and this is where the single worst immi / emigration issue I have comes in - I am unable to reach out and provide the most awkward hug on earth (tm)
I am horrible at phone calls and almost as useless at texts, so, crippled by my own inadequacy, I become a flapping mess, unable to help myself or anyone else. When the most necessary thing is a hug, technology, and my innate social awkwardness fails spectacularly.
I hate this about me, about the universe and about where I am, not just geographically but in my own life.

Today, I feel very far from home.

Baklava Sundaes with a dollop of overindulgence

2011-12-06T22:45:00.000-08:00

My sister updated her blog today, and, being the instinctive follower that I pretend not to be, I felt the need to update my poor neglected blog flavoured friend...
So here is a bowl or three, that I made, with my hands, I am extraordinarily proud of these wee bowls and will soon be making more, which I will attempt to sell (here, in case anyone is interested - http://www.aggieandstan.com/) - so if I disappear for longer than the usual month and a half, its probably because people laughed at me and I am feeling embarrassed.
These bowls make me want to put ice cream in them, then add graham crackers, and maybe baklava, and honey... they sing delicate but still compelling siren songs of desserts too feminine for my womanly hips, which I ignore, and continue dreaming of baklava sundaes and picnics in Oregon...
I think I will make these for peoples wedding gifts from now on, disco balls out, princess bowls in, life does quieten as I get older

xo

Definitely some kind of stew...

2011-11-09T18:20:00.000-08:00

...its not a very big secret that I read my own blog sometimes, hearing my words in my own voice reminds me of who I am in an odd way, until I get down to the pictures of my cats, and then all the words sound just a little tiny bit like an overweight, middle aged divorcee watching one of those oprah episodes where an adorable middle american family gets reunited with their previously missing, and even more adorable disabled ukrainian child. Homesickness makes me sad, then nauseous, then just sad again.

I have a hard time keeping up with anything, I am faithfully completing this (http://www.arthousecoop.com/projects/sketchbookproject2012 - cellphone pic of page 7 above ;)) project at the moment, which is motivating me to keep drawing, but my clay is neglected, even with seven hundred and forty two exciting projects awaiting my attention, and I am dragging my feet about e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. its my birthday next week and we have been planning to go to Friday nights roller derby game, but I haven't organised the people we are supposed to be taking, nor have I bought any tickets, I am floating through my days flapping my hands ineffectually, hoping that, eventually, I will figure out how to fly. It would probably be more effective to walk around with a very small, and hopefully not too heavy, neon sign strapped to my back saying "help me" in neat lower case letters... you know, flashy and attention seeking, but never obtrusive ;)
I used to think tasks were overwhelming, but lately I find the whole world overwhelming, I have become the ostrich, which sounds lovely and zen until your nose fills up with sand and you are left deciding between talking to an actual human being or suffocating with your butt in the air while wearing "those" panties because you were too overwhelmed to do the washing.

Ugh. Hello world, welcome to my brain.

The house that Gertrude built...

2011-09-18T22:20:00.000-07:00

This is the house that Gertrude built, she is squint, and a little old, and the argumentative magical dimensions she built it between just wouldn't stop their pesky bickering, until she stabbed the first in the eye with a knitting needle, following which the front door disappeared, so she built a second one, with a tower, and a mantelpiece upon which to store her collection of ceramic dogs, and her pipe, which she only smoked occasionally.

Greasy Takeout

2011-08-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so, don't tell anyone i said this, but I occasionally want to punch the feminist movement in the face. I don't deny that women are, on the whole, better off nor do I argue the fact that several bazillion women sacrificed so that I could work AND have children... but what if that's not what I want? I feel like all it really achieved was that I am now expected to work, and run the house and have children and still fit into something lacy and disastrously uncomfortable at least twice a day without my head exploding, and to be frank, that sucks.
What if I want to make jam, and milk a bloody cow and make my own cheese and look flipping cute in an apron and have two perfect children who actually know what I look like, without an exhausted dried out harpy in a moon cup (don't google that at work by the way, your IT department will definitely stop picking up your starbucks after that) telling the world that I am setting women back by a thousand years?
I don't want a job and a fancy car and an investment portfolio and a gleaming dishwasher and two children who don't know what I look like, I want a life, and a family, and a flipping cow, and I don't care if that's okay with you.

Goodie Bags

2011-08-23T19:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Sister,
I kind of miss you, like, a lot.
even though you bite and scratch,
and even though, if you were closer, teacups and maltesers and chappies and love would not fly so swiftly over the sea,
and even though my grammar is terrible and this is not a real poem at all.
I still miss you.
about as much as civil war reenactment dorks miss wenches,
or maybe like NBC misses Conan O'Brien,
I think if NBC missed Conan as much as I miss you, they would remove the sea.
So lets do that, we can remove the sea, separating water and salt, and selling both to the highest bidder, then we can buy a farm in Oregon, and maybe our very own Conan.
There, now its a real poem.
Back to my tea.
I love you
xoxo

Chocolate Milk

2011-08-21T19:10:00.000-07:00

A pre-update update of sorts, a tiny glimpse into our americana....
Yesterday we went to MOCA, to see the Warhol soup can family reunion, which was lovely! There was a "no pictures" rule, but Jason did sneak a few... below is one I took of Jamie flying in her dad's arms, under the sculpture outside (by Nancy Rubins, I believe?)... she is going through one of her crazy growth spurts, sprouting in all directions, mentally and physically, and will be starting second grade in two weeks. I am not sure her "bigness" is a thought I can really process right now...
More to follow soon, I promise!

Popcorn and m&m's

2011-08-15T20:29:00.000-07:00

I made this plate after one of the guys in my ceramics class asked me to make an american gothic wall plate for him, being my typical indecisive granny self, I made two - a terracotta with a black line drawing, and this coloured one, with pitchfork wallpaper - I am glad he chose the terracotta, because this one makes me happy, and reminds me of this....

This is the one he chose, cellphone pics are awesome.
Jason (and the other people in my class) are trying to convince me that I could sell these, but I'm not convinced - aaargh.... I hate it when other people try to sell their amateurish "artwork" and really dont want to BE that person.....

American Pie

2011-07-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

It has been almost a year since we arrived, and I have been thinking of the whole move, the lead up and the chaos of setting up home in a new country a whole lot lately, things are settling now, and we need to figure out who we are again, and where we are going.

We spent our first July 4th with new friends from my ceramics class, we are an odd bunch, but seem to understand each other as much as humans can, and I feel very lucky to have met this group of fascinating creatures...

*Thank you www.jasonmeintjes.com for lovely pictures as usual

Bruce & Clarence

2011-07-21T13:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Universe,
When I grow up, please may I be cool like Bruce Springsteen.

I wish I had been old enough for this, I believe my parents were and did, but the memory is old and flawed, sometimes it tells me lies.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Rights_Now!_Tour

Old Bread makes good fried chicken...

2011-07-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

Or so I'm told ;)
We came across this old pic while Jason was looking for pics to update his site - www.jasonmeintjes.com if you're wondering, but it hasn't been updated yet - and it was a great memory, I know its a terrible pic of both of us (although a lovely photograph from an outsiders perspective) and hope Cimone will forgive me for releasing it into the wild.

I'm not good at limbo, or at the limbo for that matter, and am spending my days hunting for certainty in a snowstorm at the moment, no update seems better than a depressing one, so I will be scarce, but not lost.
xoxo

My Beehive Phase

2011-06-01T22:46:00.001-07:00

Mice don't make good sushi snacks...

2011-06-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

If this meal existed it would probably come with a toy...

2011-06-01T22:23:00.001-07:00

Partially Finished Honeycomb Sundae

2011-06-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

I am all worded out, but I always have pictures...
This one isn't done, but it has an incomplete charm nonetheless, I would tell her story, but I don't really know it, she isn't the gambling type, but if she was she would probably keep her cards pretty close to the vest, and the vest would likely be hand crocheted in a soft blush coloured cashmere yarn...

sometimes it just looks like food....

2011-05-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

I haven’t updated in a while, mostly because I am trying to have a life instead of a great relationship with my computer. I have been taking a ceramics class, and as much as I try to resist falling into vague hippie-dom, Saturdays in class are blissful. I think I have found my “thing” its soft and smooshy and somewhat lopsided, but its mine, and that’s thrilling. I am obsessed with clay, and glaze, and underglaze, and the sheer monumental possibility of it all… I love the awkward handful of lovely people in my class, and the few hours of self absorbed doing, being and just generally not thinking.
Its small, but its mine, and I am very, very happy.

Comfort Food

2011-04-05T21:30:00.000-07:00

a post for my severely geographically challenged family....
It was my mums birthday on Friday, and my Lissa's birthday, and her wedding day... and today was my Jo's birthday... I feel terribly far away from everyone... so instead of just pretty but arb photographs from our adventures, I am posting dorky shots of us...
The first is Jamie, asleep on my bed this evening, taken with my insanely fancy and well equipped camera, the one I use to text y'all ;) she fell asleep cuddling the magic faraway tree (imported - thanks mum - americans are yet to discover the joys of enid blyton)

The second is a family portrait, I tried, unsuccessfully, to blur myself out of this one, but I guess the world will have to accept me as I am, at least I make adorable children... This was taken at Bombay Beach - Jason must have propped the camera up on a bit of ghost town... lovely moments = yay.

and then, because we're on the subject of geography and family portraits, I will throw this in.... its only mildly creepy right?

Yellow Cake with Rainbow Sprinkles

2011-04-01T23:42:00.000-07:00

is Jamie's favourite thing in the school cafeteria, and what this pic reminds me of, this is more Charles Russell... more desert flashback... I think they should make postcards that say "wish I was still there"

Roasted Duck with a side of Crazy

2011-03-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

This is my crazy, stacked up and slightly eroded by the desert sun, Jason took the picture, Charles Russell made the duck pile, me, I just saw my reflection in it.

a little dash of everything, served hot.

2011-03-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

An everything store out in the desert, pity it was closed...

I think the security bars made me feel at home for just a second, then the shimmering heat made the desire for water more important, so we moved on.

Unidentifiable Goo

2011-03-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

I cant remember exactly where this was, I think it was in Calipatria...

Ice Cream Soup

2011-03-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

Carmen's Ice cream truck, I wonder what they're warning children about?
This was parked in a trailer park just outside Mecca, CA.... take from that what you will.

Chilli Dogs, Bring your own plate

2011-03-27T12:06:00.000-07:00

Another brief update from the road, we spent last night in Slab City, at the prom, it was one of the best experiences I have ever had, and sharing it with Darling and Jim made it extra special, although extremely uncomfortable come bedtime ;) We woke up this morning after a long night squished in the back of the jeep, all ready to hit the road, only to find ourselves in an artists front yard, this guys work is like nothing I have ever seen before - one of those moments where you feel like you aren't alone in your crazy.... the pic above is of a tiny little Jesus, peeking out from amongst thousands of silk flowers on the roof of a car, the legs in the background belong to a mannequin whose head is inside the vehicle.... I think I may eventually find the words to describe the wonder but for now this will have to do - heading out to Joshua tree today - yippeeeeee....
Before I forget, I believe the artists name is Charles Russell, look him up...

Padkos V1.2

2011-03-26T10:20:00.001-07:00

More wee bites from the road....

This is the most amazing little house, like a modern wood / glass box - single room, abandoned in the desert, Jason took some far better pics, crazy place - insane view....

My dead fish was lying on the sand at Salton sea, with thousands of his friends... but this one had amazing texture. yum.

My Jason, King of the world, Salton Sea - March 25th 2011

Postboxes at Bombay Beach, what a crazy little community, I think we will head back today for more pics...

Yay, the road is long, it makes me happy.

Padkos...

2011-03-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Few words today, many pictures...
We have been exploring Salton sea and its surrounding desert of wonder, this place is so filled with great textures and amazing shapes, the sky is extraordinarily blue, and seemingly never ending, and people talk out here, they approach strangers and start up conversations - I am not sure I will ever want to leave.

Spaghetti and Meatballs

2011-03-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

These are our report cards, taped to the wall in the lounge when I arrived home from work....

We both got "scold" and "hungry" as well as "nice" "happy" and "listen", we both got "helpful" and, oddly enough "style" but Jason also got "slow" and "ready" {ha-take that King of late} while I got "likes tea" and "loves things"

Jamie is both adorable and crazy, she is so good at expressing herself, she writes beautiful little notes, and draws people, real, recognizable people, not stick figures... she is that thing that amazes me every day, I look at her sometimes and go - wow, I made this? We made this? She is the very small voice in my head getting me through the day, and the way she looks at me when I come home from work makes me feel like a superhero... She, and darling, are the little figures in my snow globe of happiness, I don't mind living in a bubble, as long as I get to share it with them.

Spam Musubi

2011-02-24T08:57:00.000-08:00

So I didn't have anything to blog about, until a colleague walked in eating a bar of soap... non americans - meet spam musubi....
Its like Bully Beef sushi.... and heres the best part - nobody was even paying him to eat it!

For my more adventurous readers, yes Erin, that means you... here is a recipe for todays abomination...
http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/spam-musubi/Detail.aspx

Tea Soup

2011-01-30T17:49:00.000-08:00

It's not exactly a secret that I am mildly obsessed with tea, we joke that I wouldn't have married Darling if he hadn't perfected the tea recipe and found me the perfect cup, and its partly true... Darling isn't romantic, he doesn't do the cute little things, and he pays very little attention to what he refers to as hints, but anyone else would call lists of demands, so the fact that he put up with my ridiculous perfectionism and constant tea demands is a sort of affirmation of his feelings for me...
Tea has become our own dorky romantic shorthand, I demand tea in quirky, and sometimes completely insane, ways and he makes perfect cups of tea, our tea moments are our "us" moments... and they have become more important since moving to a non tea drinking country, with only each other for company, conversation, and random frustrated outbursts...
One day, when we build our house we will have to have a wee corner dedicated to the gallery of bizarre tea requests, one small quiet corner dedicated to the pursuit of great tea, a little peace and quiet, and perhaps a biscuit. Just one.

Tapioca

2011-01-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about tapioca today, I hate tapioca, but its such a lovely gloopy colour...

I worked through all the available daylight today, and my cellphone sucks in the dark, so I will share an early NYC picture, I love all that this symbolizes, Jamie's barefoot loveliness with the yellow cab in the background, everything new and soft...
Jason took this on our first morning in New York, just after we arrived... It makes me feel like I'm made of tapioca, glistening, gloopy and stickifying with squishy sweetness...
We have our wee webstore up, so far its filled with prints (mostly Jason's) but we will add to it as we go... have a look and let me know what you think...
www.aggieandstan.com

Apple Pie Ice Cream

2011-01-23T16:20:00.000-08:00

The oddest thing about living in Southern California so far is the weather, its the middle of winter, and today was warm, dry and sunny... We got up late, wandered off to the beach where Jim had ridiculous amounts of fun splashing about and then headed off to get ice-creams and further the great apple pie hunt, as we stepped off the sand onto the road I looked up, and the horizon was a line of snow capped mountains... literally a couple of hours drive away... it kind of weirds me out, but in a good way.

Cimone has called dibs on the great apple pie hunt, so that story is in storage, but I have popped in a few from today... Jamie, with palm tree's growing out of her head, and Josie, always right in front of you when you really need her ;)

Dandelion Candyfloss

2011-01-22T16:11:00.000-08:00

so its been a while, we have been in the US for almost six months, figuring out where to put down roots, however temporarily, and trying to come up with a simple way to explain that South Africa is not actually part of Australia... and my poor wee blog has been a little neglected... My sister (http://intermittentblogger.wordpress.com/) recently nominated me for an award, I believe it was within the realm of "Scrapbooking Queen" {her term - not mine} as an incentive to keep writing, which would be delightful if I had anything to write about. There is a little voice somewhere in my fishbowl brain that tells me that I write better when I am actually writing... that also probably only makes sense in my head...
Basically the point is this, I have been gone a while and my writing now sucks, so if I write a lot it may improve, I plan to try this for a few months, posting something every few days....
Today it is this, and the picture above, which I took while lying on the grass at a local park, one where nobody was getting mugged, hassled to buy anything, or stepping on glass from some hobbits discarded beer bottle. America is quite delightful...

My Delightful Gay Kitties

2010-06-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

We collected our Green cards on Friday last week and are almost on our way, except that now I have to part with my precious cats.... I wrote an ad for them, and here it is, please help me find them the perfect rainbow castle.
The Cats
Two Amazing Ex-Boycats (Both Neutered) One Brownish Grey Devonrex with startling blue eyes who is named Sinatra but goes by Frankie, and his boy lover Blake, a fluffy black monster with big green eyes… They are pretty attached to eachother so please take both and love them long time. Blake likes kids, Frank only likes Blake, and hunting insects. Both boys are about 3 years old, and prone to sleeping on beds.

Living in the land of Cheeseburger Pies...

2010-04-22T01:12:00.000-07:00

I usually update my blog more often than this, but things have been exceptionally quiet lately, I have only saved the world twice (almost thrice but then parts of it blew up anyway so I don’t think it counts) I spend most of my time wheeling my small family towards our future in a small red and blue enamelled wheelbarrow. We have been setting up an etsy account to showcase our multitalented... erm..ness, hunting documents across the African savannah in preparation for our big swim across the ocean and wondering why the guys at my office have suddenly decided opera will help them score more frequently.
I have not forgotten my three faithful readers, I do love you dad, and hopefully I will soon be able to let off on finding a job in the states and researching California public schools for long enough to be funny again
xx

Mingo Thermidor

2010-03-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

It is my mingo's birthday next week, and she is just too fabulous for one picture, so she gets a haiku too...
I miss her panda eyes in the morning...
I miss her fabulous mingo benetjies...
I miss her donkey laugh of joy and wine...
I miss her everything, and it makes me sad to miss her birthday, so I plan to squeeze my eyes tightly shut and travel through time, completely avoiding the fifth of April...

Oh, and Jo - your birthday present will be late, but it will be there.

xxx

Roller Derby & Cherry Pie

2010-03-23T12:07:00.001-07:00

I am really keen to start a Roller Derby League in Johannesburg, does anyone know of a suitably screeded area in Randburgish-land where we - the hypothetical and as yet imaginary teams - can learn to skate in the first place? Please let me know if anyone is keen on joining in... We need space, people, skates and enthusiasm as at this point the whole thing is no more than a vague idea...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_T8izdlc-dY

Stew, Definitely something to do with stew...

2010-03-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

Meet the funniest movie trailer ever - Satans Cheerleaders - I need the possessed door knocker...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jcKVf6rsYts

Appropriate Attire for a Saturday on the Couch

2010-03-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling like Greys Anatomy Rerun Marathons, Rosemary and Honey Roasted Pecan Nuts and Versace... perhaps you should read a blog that makes sense on occasion... try.. www.jasonmeintjes.com ;) - I get paid to say that, Jason makes me tea....
The floating head would love tea, but she has no digestive system and it would spill on her dress, so she shares my tea vicariously, and I pretend I'm wearing her dress.

Jamie-Lee Princess of Sunshine Glee

2010-02-24T11:39:00.000-08:00

The Sunshine Princess is Happy,
The Sunshine Princess glows...
The Sunshine Princess is the best blob of glee in the world,
When she doesn’t have to wake up too early.

So erm...

2010-02-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

So I don't know if anyone else has noticed the recent Woolworths rebrand, they're totally channeling the future lovechild of Edgars and Stuttafords, I sent them my thoughts...
"Dear Woolworths,
Your new branding sucks, it reminds me of sharpeners, filing and government departments, except perhaps straighter and marginally less romantic. The other day I checked my post box, which is not something I do often, so I ensured that I was wearing good shoes, full makeup and had recently seen the hairdresser, one never knows who one may happen upon at the post box. I reached my hand into the lacquered red box of divine postliness and gasped in horror at the yellow envelope that was undoubtedly to solicit some sort of high interest unrepayable credit from me only to find it was from yourselves. Like I said your branding sucks.
Thanks for the twenty bucks though.
Regards.
Lara Meintjes"

Dear Friends

2010-02-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

meet my "deerest" friend....
yes. I went there.
now go here...
http://www.famous.be/

Home-Made

2010-02-09T11:51:00.001-08:00

Icelandic Swan Soup

2010-02-08T10:41:00.000-08:00

Bjork, weirder than you since 1965...

Other peoples Holiday Photographs

2010-02-07T03:33:00.001-08:00

Just a re-discovery, I love this pic.
I guess Jason must have taken it...

Pot Luck

2010-02-07T01:36:00.000-08:00

and how was your naweek?

Ninja Cupcakes

2010-02-07T01:29:00.000-08:00

because every day is friday when you're a ninja.

Hmmmm... Bacon

2010-02-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

I love bacon.
and Piggy's.
Ally is the prettiest piggy, she is also having a birthday soon, so I couldn't leave her out...
Here is Miss Ally Pig, in her birthday suit so to speak...

Kibbles

2010-02-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

My friend Miss Lissa is soon to turn 30, this is especially awkward as she still gets asked for ID, a 17 year old brain, in a 12 year old body, with a 14 year old ID book - do the math.
Anyway, although its a good month and a half early I made her a portrait for her birthday, behold, The Terrifying Miss Lissa, AKA Smelly Cat.

Alice's Tart Card Pie

2010-01-28T12:11:00.000-08:00

Back to loving the tart cards, as Smeilinener doesn't love me...
An alternate ending for Alice... her body is a wonderland haha...

Lena Hoschek Sunglasses...Gasp

2010-01-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

I’m on fashion hyperdrive this week, so in love with Smeilinener that I want to wallpaper my lounge in it, recover my couches and then completely ensconce myself in it so I am absolutely camouflaged, a world of smeilinener, spreading happiness wherever I go... pity about living in de-fashionated land....I absolutely must have the weird sleeved but off the shoulder blue and orange dress of gaspilly twirling happiness...
And then, if I had a mobile home it would be Lena Hoschek, a small classy granny trainer with wallpaper so divinely textured one is unable to resist the urge to lick it... buttons in exactly the right places, "just so" and yards of folded textured grace... kitsch with class, I may go put a hat on just so as to take it off to Lena.

I know I should be salivating patriotically about Black coffee at Berlin fashion week but I am, unfortunately, unable to gasp in chorus with everyone else... I was patriotically bored.I feel like they have done work far far superior to what they produced on that runway, but then, I guess they disagree...
Back to Lena...

Dollytastic...

2010-01-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

One last adventure for the evening, because it's Dolly's birthday...

Nessie is so a girl, as is haggis

2010-01-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

Material Girl Macaroni

2010-01-19T10:52:00.000-08:00

Joan's own Story Arc...erm. Soup.

2010-01-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

Martha Stewart's Bread and Water...

2010-01-19T10:47:00.000-08:00

Tonight Jim and I were learning about "Famous Girls" so again, just to keep everyones education up to date ;)

Croque Monsieur

2010-01-18T11:39:00.001-08:00

Stander Soup with Crusty French Loaf

2010-01-18T11:35:00.001-08:00

Lamb, Mint and Charlie Manson

2010-01-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

Potato, Leek and History Stew...

2010-01-18T11:27:00.001-08:00

I was telling Jamie stories about people tonight and thought she could do with pictures, to keep her interested, then it became fun, and so I share... if they offend you, what are you doing reading my blog?

and my buns, they don't feel nothin' like steel...

2010-01-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

My daughter started school today, the ancience creeps up on you like an awkwardly contagious disease... I am pretty certain I was skipping school to watch Clueless with my friends 3 weeks ago... and all of a sudden Brittany Murphy is dead, I have a daughter in school and Michael J Fox is nowhere to be found.
What kind of weird planet is this?

Bloody Mary, Elizabeth and Jane

2009-10-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

My blog needs a top up, but then, so does my drink.

One day the blog will win.

Salted Satire

2009-08-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

My writing style seems to change depending on my current state of mind, at the moment it is a Noel Coward play, an arranged marriage from the 1930s squashed into a dank basement, discomfort and satire fighting for supremacy over bad curtains and the smell of gas. How nauseating.
I need to add a little trash, shake things about just enough to make my head a reasonably pleasant place to be, I need a little voodoo, a touch of chewing tobacco and a humid evening with a bright moon.
I need salty warm skin and sexual tension; I’m so over fog and guilt and repressed desires, ugh.

You could make a decent soup with that...

2009-08-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

I expected white knuckles, a shudder perhaps, a tear? Anything but the void, the hollow thudding of my own unfeeling heart. anhedonia, what does it know of its own joy. terror. fear. void. How is it that a human can feel nothing, real nothingness, surely to be human is to feel, Bill?
Am I less than human, is that my place? Or can it be more? More than human. No, more than nothing, not I.
Standing at the very edge of the train platform, curling my toes within my sensible shoes, not out of any feeling of fear, nor any feeling at all, yet out of the distant realisation that there should be fear, that if fear was indeed present there would be a reflexive curling of the toes. automaton.
But here it is Bill, it was not you, nor Annie and Sam, but the thought of failure, the scrubbing, that held me back, for if the train was to sever not my life, ha, life, what kind of life, but simply one useless maladroit hand, or a leg, thick misshapen form, the remaining parts would have to clean up after, after the failure of it all.
Swabbing the blood of one severed limb with the disgusted muscle of the other, how terribly macabre.
and yet, still, I do not feel.

Franks & Beans

2009-08-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

Another tart card for Frankie...

Sweet Tart

2009-08-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

Tart Cards, Phase Two,
Meet Londons latest, erm, ladies of the night...
Dr Frankenfurter and Rrrrrocky!

Naked Tart

2009-08-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

So my latest experiment is an adventure in tart cards,
I thought I'd share, these are my first two attempts, excuse the rudimentary Photoshop on my part, and thank you darling husband for the buckets of help...
If Dorothy had been a London Hooker, These may have been plastered in phone boxes...

Salted Fish

2009-08-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

I am currently obsessed with a band called Semi Precious Weapons, plenty of glam rock, peroxided atrocity - ridiculously refreshing....Find them on the internet machine and share with me, I cant be the only crazy stalkerish fangirl in the netiverse...

I realised the other day that this year has simply swept by like floodwater, while I have kept my eyes closed, balanced precariously on a raft of vague nausea and tightly clasped dreams, I feel like I have been living in a snowglobe, just waiting for somebody to come along and shake me... so I am making a list, of things to tick before today next year. The snooze button on my life is tired and overworked, I need to do something about it, so if you happen upon me in the street,kindly give me a shake.

1. Get a Wizard of Oz tattoo. Ideas anyone?
...

Chicken Soup

2009-08-12T04:07:00.000-07:00

May I replace my current personality with a saltier one,
perhaps a permed lady of a certain age, with a wry smile and a dirty laugh,
I will call her Thelma.
or,
Me.

Fresh Crispy Pumpkin Bread

2009-08-12T03:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hum a little tune under my breath, a lilting ditty nobody else can hear, and if they did, they just wouldn’t understand, a tiny particle of song woven of magic and happiness, packaged in the perfect gleaming, candy coated joy capsule.
You will never hear my song, because it isn’t real, just like reality.

Cottage Pie and Custard

2009-08-12T03:50:00.000-07:00

Being with you makes punctuation unnecessary

Spaghetti & Meatballs

2009-08-12T03:48:00.000-07:00

I don’t work in advertising, I am not a high school geek turned cool.
I work in accounts, I am still not cool.
This is as it should be.

Yum.

2009-08-11T04:36:00.000-07:00

Orla Kiely Children.
Orla Fucking Kiely.
Please buy me this dress...

Rhinestone Cupcakes

2009-08-11T04:30:00.000-07:00

Like a rhinestone cowboy....
That's how I feel today, where did I put that lasso now?

Bacon, Eggs and Moemas White Chocolate & Pistachio Tartlets...

2009-07-18T03:28:00.000-07:00

How utterly heavenly...

We (Jamie and Myself) had breakfast with my dad this morning, he collected us in his Barbiemobile and showed Jim where the "SuperFastButton" is... she was thrilled.
He took us to a place I didn't know existed (Blush) at the lower end of Melville, called "The Service Station", it was lovely, and included a bookstore, a deli, and black coffee - sigh....
Ruda Landman was having breakfast with other Afrikaans people, snore, as was Lindie - of Marion and Lindie - or so I'm told, wearing two small children and an Alexander McQueen silk scarf which I would have stolen right off her if it wouldn't have embarrassed my dad (180 Pounds - Net A Porter, sigh....)...
Jamie borrowed his Fat Boy Slim when we got home, so I am currently listening to a combo - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Fat Boy Slim, its delightful, or as Shredder just said - "Buahahahaha...total chaos!!!"
My dad offered me Pocket Money and I said no, I may have to write that down as my stupidest moment of the week, along with blogging in the middle of a Saturday morning child hurricane and walking into black coffee.
The bookstore was notable for its old school ladybird covered notebooks, a reading corner and a great chair or three... I may have to visit again, that is, if I can keep myself out of Black Coffee...
As words seem to have been sucked into the vortex of the parenting chaos I will tell my story in pictures, these were a few of the things that made the morning rainbow flavoured...

How Trashionista does Jim look?
The Notebooks all have old Ladybird covers, but have blank pages, and are absolutely divine... little rectangular slices of happiness.

Nicotine Addicted Souffle

2009-07-07T03:52:00.000-07:00

So I had this dream last night, yes, I know, it can only get better, but anyway, I smoked an entire packet of cigarettes sitting at a low wooden coffee table talking to some Kerouacian beardy man, it was amazing, I distinctly remember grabbing handfuls of extinguished butts out of the overflowing turquoise ashtray and crushing them in my hands – how grotesque in reality, but to a heavy smoker on her third quitting month it was absolute bliss.

Quitting smoking is like waiting in a hospital to find out of somebody survived an operation, everything becomes drab and institutional, the walls of every room become smokers yellow, clocks become slow lumbering beasts, booming out every second of your looming failure. People talk too loudly, and too much, and too little, and too quietly, and use the wrong words, and the right ones, complexity disappears entirely, absolutely everything is simple, everything is absolute – every person barring yourself is thoroughly and horribly twisted and wrong.

My skin broke out, I got the shakes for weeks on end and began to have these irrational, but thoroughly enjoyable, fantasies about killing people in obscure ways, the guy behind the counter at the bookstore, the one who had never heard of Nabokov, he would be dismembered slowly by crowds of little girls reading excerpts from Pale Fire…The apelike gentleman who cut me off in traffic was to be trampled by marauding Romans, ripped out of the history book by the magical accident which was also responsible for the decapitation of the old lady who bumped into me with her shopping trolley. Bodies were strewn through the streets of Johannesburg, the balance of nature was all wrong and I was stuck in the waiting room two doors down from all that should be, but wasn’t.

Then suddenly it was over, I am not even sure when, but the sky cleared, my number was called, and eight kilos heavier, with the skin of a thirteen year old boy… I emerged from the cocoon of my self induced mania and into a brighter day, a lighter existence, a land of rainbows, flowers and feminine body shaping underwear commercials, I am reborn, with a body destined for trailer parks and tent dresses I rise up to face the world, I am, the non smoker….

Deer Pie Leftovers

2009-07-06T10:09:00.000-07:00

The promised images arrive, I managed to stay in my delightfully mediocre character all day, but fell into a pool of soupy melodrama on the way home and am almost 78.2% myself again,
So, Saturdays bits and pieces are below...The Deer Jar is comfortably ensconced on my desk, The Floral embroidery is hanging on my bedroom wall, and the pictures propped up shopfront probably went home with somebody else, but I'm smiling...I will blog merrily and most proudly about Sunday when I'm not feeling quite so deliciously sedate.

Deer Pie with Sage and Mint

2009-07-06T03:56:00.000-07:00

They call her “she who urinates silently”, because, well, she does. She shops on Saturdays, sleeps on Sundays and works all week. Her life is disgustingly average, but she is happy that way. She is the Apple Pie and Cream on the dessert menu, the plain black V neck in your wardrobe, the nice girl your mother hoped you’d marry.
She doesn’t understand the lack of contentment she sees in those around her, the constant striving for adventure, the desire to achieve, but it doesn’t bother her for very long either. She has exactly what she wants.

That’s my imaginary person of the day, I have decided to be quiet, contemplative and content, but we will see how long that lasts…I can’t decide what her name is, I guess that makes her truly vanilla, a no name brand kind of life. It’s a little sad I suppose but hey, if it gets me through the day…

I had breakfast / brunch on Saturday with a bit of an odd assortment of people, it was vaguely uncomfortable and the bill was high, but we ambled through the morning sleepily, a Checkers Pick n Mix from the mid nineties, attempting conversation without speaking the same language at all. Deer Hunter had some lovely bits which saved the morning to some degree, I will post pics of one or two this evening, when I’m home.
Kalliebree from work, whose name is so unusual I haven’t even made one up, came along too, she wanted to blog about Deer Hunter, on her blog I guess, which is here: www.safarafly.blogspot.com I’m writing lazily, thinking lazily, and generally mumbling my way through the day, I guess I’m completely in character, however nameless she may be. A tentative blog, a possible day and a maybe life, does anyone have a perhaps name for me?

slow cooked goose

2009-07-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

There are such lovely gleaming pots bubbling on my stove today, and I appear to have locked myself out of the kitchen. I can see them, I can even smell their lovely delicious cooking smells, I just can’t make them cook faster, and that drives me absolutely insane. Tomorrow is so inviting, like rich soup on a cold day, and today is the dried out crust of bread your husband put in the fridge a week and a half ago. What would you choose?

What is the point of a bright and glittery world title grinning future if the present is a dried up old crack addict sleeping on the pavement? There are a few things I don’t understand on a base level, one of which is life, another is reality, I don’t believe I ever will just “get” these things, I understand statistics, bad jokes and Quentin Tarantino, but life, acceptance and baking are completely beyond me.

How do normal people come to terms with these things, with their general uselessness, I want to punch something, absorb the knowledge of the universe through osmosis alone, and run around naked, screaming my head off and then I look around me at the calm, the limitation accepting, the brave and am ashamed of my ridiculous inner tantrum. Perhaps I should give up on trying to accept that things don’t just happen instantaneously because I thought them and try to accept that this frustrates me, a step in the right direction at least?

What is the pipeline really and how does one turn on the tap?

Pea's and Carrots

2009-06-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

Rolling over into the fitful sleep of the discontented, the wicked, the alone but not accepting, their backs almost touching yet separated by a universe of semi voluntary blindness. Skin reaches out instinctively for skin, its brains that recoil, human emotion, stupidity.

The wasted years, wallowing in self obsession, bitter in the spin cycle that is existence. Existence, not life. Different & the same, the process is there but the action is far removed, soak vs wash, rinse, spin.
Dried out cake of mixed media soap flakes underneath the washing machine in a laundromat forgotten by time, walls yellowing and ignored, fluorescent lighting creating glare right where there should be glow. Ignored and disrespected words, a self unknown and a partner forgotten, where will we be, and who?

Pigeon Thermidor

2009-06-24T09:23:00.000-07:00

Oh, what a strange fish I would have caught, had we gone fishing, but we didn't.

Sticky Toffee Perversion Pie...

2009-06-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

... A recipe in three parts.

I blog from home, my little girl yelling "loser" in the background, bouncing a ball with her father and explaining that she simply cannot go to bed, she needs to watch soccer first....
Things are not quite as they should be, in that uncomfortably skewed way where one really isn't sure quite what is wrong, just that something is, the jaws of the world seem open in anticipation of a juicy morsel of life, a succulent bit of fairytale to nibble, roll around on its monstrous fleshy tongue and eventually grind between its crumbling, aged, tombstone teeth... in its own peculiar fashion it tantalises, the curious wonder of the unknown, "what next" is quite a satisfying location....

The luxury of melodrama is one to which I feel entitled this evening, I will envelope myself in its velveteen decadence and roll around, a puppy in long grass, twitching in unnecessary and yet somehow appropriate joy... bliss is well deserved, happiness spreading out through my veins, the twitchery, ticklish welcome of home at the end of an exceedingly long day....

The creation of new words is a joy, transmogrification of the old and birth of crispy fresh newness, shine and glitter and drip... what a lazy way to write, but what a delicious way to smile... a planet that is all my own, mine to decorate, to litter on and to polish when I feel the need, what delight....

and then, in passing, my grandmother apparently refuses to believe that I am a pervert, regardless of what facebook (and possibly the Oxford English Dictionary Editors in their Capital Letter induced self importance) may suggest....

Post Modern Ferret Soup….

2009-06-18T03:48:00.001-07:00

I have decided to be a modern day Beatnik, and be far too cool for everyone else… So from now on I will be a retro-ironic post modern banana flavoured collector of circus midgets and teacup scented grandpa cardigans. I will twirl around the planet spreading rainbows, hundreds and thousands and glitter as I go, falling from the sky on random occasions to spread my magic around, weaving it into the culture of the poor uninformed natives of imaginary countries everywhere in a little tranny themed post colonial empire building…

What do you mean it sounds less than fabulous? My imaginary empire will be glamorous, decadent and absolutely untouchable on the party circuit, as well as being completely useless on an economic viability scale, it will be Perfect!

Life is far more fun in ones head, and then I come around, the caffeine buzz wears off and my desk comes into focus, swirling and swimming in my Cyclops vision, its not peacock blue, its not sapient pearwood and it doesn’t even have cute gold drawer knobs.
By the time I prise open both eyes and grudgingly welcome the world in over my colourful macramé doormat life is dull grey once again, my sparkling chariot of terror and joy is a broken down Toyota Corolla circa 1983 with the unlikely name of Tiffany, the soundtrack is far more Radiohead than Donna Summer and the gold lame pants hanging in my closet are brown tweed, small mercy considering that in reality I am more James Gandolfini than James King…

Yes Dear reader (The whole one of you – I love you dad) it’s Thursday and life still sucks.

Eggs, Bacon and Vanilla Ice Cream on a Bed of Crispy Fried Aliens...

2009-06-14T05:38:00.000-07:00

13th May - Gosh, really? Its been that long? I really do need to have more adventures, I'm sure there are one or two up my sleeve, hold on while I rummage...

...

...

Nope, no stories hidden up there, perhaps in my pockets....

I may just have found one, not an adventure, more an anecdote, although I am unsure if it even qualifies there, its more like, weekend homework on a second grade level... so here goes, what I did last weekend...

Saturday morning involved meeting a few friends at Deer Hunter in Greenside, nothing to do with Vietnam, just a great little junk shop, Pez Men, ceramic figurines - although they wouldn't sell me a deer - sorry Jo - vintage clothes, atari games, books, teapots, records by the thousand and amazingly kitsch pictures, like this...

Its terrific, in a crazy Orla Kiely kind of way, and thrills me greatly, little rainbow shivers up my spine...

I bought a Smurfette as Mermaid Keyring for Jo, and a stack of old glasses, which we then modelled over breakfast, How is this for a stylish salad of strange folk...

We had breakfast at Doppio, Jamie ate vanilla ice cream wearing swimming goggles, it was fabulous...

After this we went to the zoo, where, standing peering down at the Polar Bears Jamie said "Look mom, Aliens" apparently oddness is genetic...

That's about all that happened last weekend, thank goodness, as it was followed by a nauseating roller coaster of a week following which I am still reeling, which isn't quite as fun as jitterbugging but can be more easily handled post alcoholic binge drinking... not that I ever do. The jitterbug that is.

Darling is climbing mountains today, which is probably better all round, excitement and adventure weren't exactly on the menu at home today, I was leaning towards tea and reruns... Imagine how exhilarating next weeks Blog post will be...

Oasis...

2009-05-13T04:24:00.000-07:00

We went to a "surprise" party last night, there were some great moments squished into a dark room with seventeen thousand odd other post long day bodies and the word "russian" oddly visible on the wall, the aforementioned moments were interspersed with hisses of "shhhhhhhhh" I dont feel like telling you about it though, so a bit of daily randomness will do, I like button eyes and Neil Gaiman makes a swooshy noise in my head.

Delicious Fresh Wallpaper Glue

2009-02-14T23:29:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd share the latest additions to the big wallpaper project...I love new ideas, projects and general disco ball manias....
This makes me happy, I cant wait to finish and put it together.
Yay sunday cupcake breakfasts.

The Mysterious Blonde...

2009-02-13T06:52:00.000-08:00

I couldn't think of a food title,
I'm losing my edge, soon I will be living in a bus stop...
I live in Johannesburg, we dont have bus stops... or at least not bus stops with benches.
The benches were stolen, I would have stolen them, they were cool.

I want a rainbow coloured bus stop bench.

The mysterious blonde is a princess, she was turned into a flamingo by a wicked old witch with a fabulous sense of style... One day she will be a croquet mallet.

We will win on points.

Hundreds and Thousands

2009-02-13T06:40:00.000-08:00

I have few words today, in fact, the quicker I type the more my grammar fails me, so I will say thousands...with pictures.

In the spirit of weekend induced happiness....

These moments make me happy, I want to wallpaper parts of my house with Polaroids, Beith do wallpaper, but first I would have to replaster, and perhaps move out of Little Nigeria.

I get so incredibly disappointed at the way weekends are built up, two days a week in which to unwind, see your friends, spend time with your family... I think I should find a job with flexitime, time to do research on things that get me, to sew, paint, draw, write and generally just breath in...

This makes no sense, interruptions are the bane of my existence, I am Cinderella, without the hugely impractical shoes or pretty blonde hair.

Yes.

Warm strong coffee and biscuits

2009-01-29T06:22:00.000-08:00

This weather thrills me, I love cold, adore rain and wish I could wander the planet draped in a delicate fog... oh, wait, yes... I totally do. Maybe a marginally less nicotine scented one in my next life?
Coats and hats, scarves and oxfords sing little songs to me when I hear the rain, songs of flamingo flavoured princesses and little nonsense rhymes, delicate teal green pea coats and candyfloss are better than any raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens, and then I found out beacon released the marshmallow eggs early, I'm thrilled, I'm ecstatic, my heart dances and my head runs off to Pick n Pay with my wallet... My bathroom scale slinks away quietly.

Tomorrow marks the day I have been in the same chair, at the same desk, in front of the same screen, and pestered by the same overzealous airconditioner for two years, its tres depressing.
I think I should mark the occasion with some sort of ridiculous celebration, like a resignation maybe, but then I remember that my wallet is still at Pick n Pay with my head, and Easter eggs cost money.

Teal coloured peacoats and glossy high heeled oxfords,
Candyfloss and Easter Eggs and Girls with Tiaras.
Little girls that laugh with the stars in their eyes. these are a few of my favorite things.

Works every time, now I remember what I'm doing here....

shhhhh...

2009-01-29T06:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not really here, its all fake anyway.
I'm like candyfloss and Obama, you just really want to believe I exist.

Rabbit stew

2008-11-22T11:45:00.000-08:00

The smell of linseed oil turns me on, in a weird, non sexual kind of must be painting right now kinda way... maybe only partially naked.
I've always been more of a sculpture kind of girl, but recently, I want to eat oil paints, cover myself in them, feel them all squidgy on my hands....yum.
So is this a fetish?
Wiki says: "Sexual fetishism, or erotic fetishism, is the sexual attraction to materials and objects not conventionally viewed as being sexual in nature."
Yeah, I think it is... but even more disturbing in its way is that I just googled "fetishism" and erm, that's just a little odd, yeah?
Bugger this, I go paint.

If I was Alice... I probably would have stayed

2008-11-21T00:38:00.000-08:00

Clouds are supposed to look like candyfloss and happiness, in my head they should smell of slightly burnt sugar, and sparkle like fibreglass when the light hits them.
Today’s cloud smells of old eggs, the water in a vase of dead flowers and yesterdays red wine breath, I am not even sure why I carry on, days like this where the energy has been drained from me and I’m all withered and haggard, a winter tree that should have been blown over by the wind but survived on misguided stubbornness.

This week has been rough, and for that I get a satin sash and a bunch of flowers, “Queen of the Understatement”. I don’t understand people, my life makes me unhappy and chocolate has lost its magical ability to soothe and muffle the random small paper cuts life leaves me with.
I hate depressed blogs, not that I like anything much right now, but I have never understood putting your own personal void on “paper” to infect the rest of the world with your own brand of joyless cynicism… and my writing totally sucks when I feel like this.
I feel like my relationship is being eaten from the inside out, my birthday was beautiful and special and crushingly disappointing, I don’t think I will have another one, I will just be a really old looking 25, buying depends in bulk from Makro one day. The people I trust don’t seem to feel the same, and that feels like a whole new kind of betrayal, it needs a suitable Latin name. Maybe I just don’t understand anything, or anyone. I have lost the ability to relate. Oh, and my gearbox hates me.

I want to hide and paint, I want to breakdown and cry, I don’t want to face month ends and tedium, I feel like complaining is something I have no right to do, and that makes me angrier. Why do I do this, when it all feels like a total betrayal of self, why am I the practical responsible one, why cant I kick and scream and claw, why cant I fight for what I believe any more? I hate that I shop when I’m down, creating a bigger void in an attempt to fill the current one, I want to scream, to berate the world, to stab pointlessly at the faded fabric of my life. Instead I will balance the bank, accept the status quo, and hate myself for being a spineless idiot. Life? Sorry, never had one, what does it smell like?

Postmodern Cheesecake.

2008-09-02T06:00:00.001-07:00

When I like somebody I give them a completely useless name, usually made up of a long string of adjectives... ie. "Crazy vegan hippie Canadian assistant" or "Brother"
When I detest somebody I try to avoid them completely, or I just call them Jacob Zuma.

Here is my poem, I like it:
Sometimes you make me feel,
Like spaghetti in a can,
Something that really shouldn't be there in the first place.
But is.
and swollen.

Totally postmodern of me don't you think? Vomit a line of complete nonsensical shit and call it art, Collette [Strange Polish long name girl of utterly shining fabulousness] would approve.
Postmodernism is just another, even more pretentious, way of saying pretentious...like, so hot right now.
I can't write conversations, how am I ever going to write a long and boring postmodern sewerage tank of a book without conversations?
Maybe I will develop affected dyslexia and write a book with conservations instead, every few pages it will have a sponsorship blurb, like a pull quote saying "Woolworth's donated -0.001c to reforestation because you read this page" I could call it conservations with Blog... or I could forget about all this crap and load new employee's onto the payroll system....

Crazy Vegan Franks and Beans...

2008-09-02T05:07:00.000-07:00

So midway through the great dragon slaying this morning Frank says "Why do you do this? Why do you put on your pretty shoes and brush your jewfro and get in your ugly Tiffany and drive to work?" [Frank the big imaginary Bunny guy I stole from Donnie, not Frank Sinatra the crazy batcat, cat's can't talk] So I didn't, or at least, didn't do most of it, I did put on pretty shoes, I didn't brush the jewfro and I didn't drive myself to work - Darling did. Point is, I'm still here, behind my ugly desk, looking at my ugly screen, and if Frank hadn't run away from the horror of it all he would be shaking his big grotesque bunny head at me. This job has killed me, it ate the rainbow, now I have to steal other peoples imaginary friends and pull tongues at the filing cabinet. I would pull tongues at the crazy vegan hippie Canadian assistant, but she is so much cooler than me and probably has her own imaginary friend.
I am wearing green earrings with a black dress over dark blue jeans and black patent pointy shoes, oh rebellion..... yeah, I thought the same thing, colourblind is closer to the Mark.
Speaking of which, we have an intern, he is mini Mark - if that's even possible, can I get fired now?

Pecan Nut Fudge Pizza and The Great Flamingo Hunt...

2008-08-29T00:53:00.000-07:00

Life moves in some very interesting circles at times, this is not one of them, thus no blogs for a while. I thought Krang had eaten the Goldfish, but apparently even though they can't remember how they do it - they regenerate.
I had dinner with a friend who has been AWOL for a good long time, it was fabulous, in a way not entirely dissimilar to "John and Sarah had never met, they were like two hummingbirds who also, had never met" it made no sense, but in a blindingly practical way. There are very few people who I can reconnect with and just fit, there was no filling the gap, there just was no gap.
Life is a puzzle, but at least its a fairly colourful 3D one with cheap expansion packs.
I have been on a mission to get copywriting work lately, and to get the label going, my neon sign is up and it says "INEXPERIENCED AND UNDERCONFIDENT - HIRE ME PLEASE" so I have about as much luck as the tramp who forgot the string and stole a french poodle.
Darling is still taking beautiful pictures and making me laugh like those little grey ugly birds that Atticus Finch had such issues with. Jamie grows up and I miss my circus of beautiful friends who recently began to scatter in the unruly winds of SA's political and economic prospects, thanks JZ.
I dont particularly feel like getting all Skunk Anansie on my blog today so I will stick to obscure Dolly Parton references instead, or would if the goldfish hadn't run off with the thought I had almost formed.
Collecting my thoughts at the moment and attempting to force them into some sort of remotely coherent string is like sending an agoraphobic to measure a stadium, I push and beg and plead and cajole, then I give up because I can't remember what I was trying to do in the first place.
Disjointed.
Yes.
erm...and rainbows I think?

RIP Goldfish

2008-07-29T03:35:00.001-07:00

Anyone remember "This is your brain...."

Well this is my brain on monotony, or Led Zepellin, the similarities are endless:

I am fantasising about taking over the world again, lecturing people in my head and just generally pulling funny faces.

I made a list of things I'm good at, I would scan it and post it but its really small and totally on the useless side of the desert island, I'm Joey from Blossom...endlessly talented in the most abstract, ineffectual way. I can style peoples wardrobes and houses, do their makeup, design their clothes, write their letters, conceptualise pretty much anything, tell them why their own lives arent working, correct their punctuation... is anyone else seeing the issue here? People are perfectly capable of doing all this themselves, when they do "need" me it is just more monotony.

My phone has rung 8 times in the past two hours,

Two recruitment agents wanting me to do books for yet another agricultural chemical manufacturer / Garbage Collection Agency / ISP... Blah.

One Friend asking where to post certain cashbook entries.

Another friend wanting me to check her tax return.

Two more friends wanting tax advice.

One wrong number.

The cashbook friend again...goldfish goldfish goldfish...

and finally, somebody wanting to sell me insurance.

I am truly blessed.

Krang ate the goldfish, I wish he would eat the obsessive Led zepellin fans and 93% of the worlds accountants.

How do I make a change, how do I get my life to go my way, how do I find work in a place that inspires me, or simply find the capital to create this utopia while my husband is superglued to the computer screen? My business plan is stagnating in the glow of our overworked photoshop, and I cringe whenever I have to admit that "I do books" - Fuck yeah.

How do I avoid smacking my boss in the face with a radiator from a truck, and does anyone have an easter egg - I really need one right now.

The Eastern European Goldfish Jig...

2008-05-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

It must be the goldfish olympics.

I have had more virtual wrestling this week than any period I can remember in my long and addled history. I am leaning on music a lot and trying to cling to my sanity in the midst of my own little nuclear fallout, the major issue is that I actually have no idea why or how I have suddenly found myself driving too fast in the wrong lane?

My life has all seemed to be falling into place like a well cut jigsaw lately, so why the sudden eruption of issues? I can't even actually articulate what it is that is affecting me, or what I am grappling with. My brain feels like leftover hospital jelly [Yellow] and I'm fighting the overwhelming urge to vomit at least twice a day. I am just generally unsettled and my rainbow is more like a tacky fucking neon sign. I'm swearing on my blog. unnecessarily... who am I and who abducted the Alterpenguin.

I love bad crime thrillers, I love good songs, I love old friends and new... I'm also trying to be grateful for all I have for once. Its a lot more difficult than it looks, Gratitude and Grammar must be first cousins.

Gratitude and I are strangers, anger, amusment, love and lust I know well... gratitude? who the fuck is gratitude anyway.

Here is this weeks grateful list, or a minor attempt at one...I survived this week due to the following wobbly wheeled shopping trolley of pick and mix friends, bulk sale issues and badly packaged compilation discs:
My personal office playlist...who ever thought Tori, Rancid, NIN, Korn, Marilyn Manson, Blondie, APC, SOTY, Sevendust and Frank Sinatra could get so friendly?
The cranial goldfish, why else would I write?
My darling, who I have hardly seen, can we pay the rent yet?
Estelle and Cimone - who each have more issues than I do.
The shelving guy - for his revolting mullet, and a reasonable excuse for the desire to vomit.
Blow up dolls, winkeys and rhinestones.
Poodles, who are more full of shit than I.
Jo and the woolies barbecue chicken, yes we are old.
There isn't a suitcase big enough to fit you all, but as plasters go...you haven't done too bad a job, and no disney princess print was ever as beautiful, so thank you chickens...

Ohio

2008-05-07T05:52:00.000-07:00

Look up you're in Cleveland again
a solid line that never ends
i've got stories you'll never realize
and i know it i wear it on my sleeve

there must be somethin' about you that I liked but
right here in the rain you know it just don't seem right
I always go out I never hide but in Cleveland
I should have stayed inside

good morning heartache
youre like an old friend

come and see me again testify my love
for you I know it runs deep through your body too
from the cold blacktop to the hot concrete
the old tan van it ain't so sweet

somewhere in America in the city at night
we were far from home but you know it was gonna be alright

the unfortunate get preyed on by vultures eyes
86 cents in these pockets of mine

Just something I'm really feeling today... sometimes these wierd days happen and I get a bit lost in my own black hole of issues...this song always pulls me out of that, until I sing along... then it just reminds me of crazy things, lost opportunities and forgotten friends.

Some things are better buried.
In some strange and twisted way I feel like, just occasionally we should take out our issues, dust them off, and look at our own faces when reflected on their surfaces...then I do it and realise its a really bad idea.

86 cents...pah, what I'd do for 86cents and a good old simple issue.